I mentioned writing funny letters the other day. Well, in the course of going through some old stuff I found this, where I applied to be the provost of NYU. This was written in 2002. I never got a response, unfortunately.
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Dear sirs,
I am writing with regard to the Provost position opening up at NYU. I have a number of skills that make me a particularly good candidate for this job, and a vision that gives me a singular advantage in the quest to put NYU at the forefront of twenty-first century education.
First, I am extremely profane. You may perhaps wonder what use this would be to a Provost; let me assure you that it would be very useful indeed. A Provost is constantly subjected to a teeming horde of incompetents whining and complaining, trying to curry some favor that will, they believe, put them a bit ahead of their peers. These petty rivalries, conducted for the most insipid reasons, threaten to dominate the affairs of even the most well-meaning Provost, overrun his attention with trivialities, and consequently reroute the attention of a University from the higher calling it purports to address.
I, on the other hand, would be largely immune to this sort of nonsense. The moment some faculty member came to me, confidentially, requesting some special funding or a favored place at the academic round table, I would take him aside and say: “Look here, dipshit, do you think I give a god-damn about your retarded projects? Do you think your pathetic little concerns are of the slightest concern to me? You could drop off the face of the earth for all I care. I suggest you get out of my face before I stuff your head up your puckered ass and punt you to the fucking moon.”
I think, received thusly, that the special interests would quickly realize the futility of wasting the Administration’s time, and would instead confine their efforts to the venues to which they are more properly directed.
Of course, there are other diplomatic duties a Provost must oversee, but as we all know, diplomacy is in the eye of the beholder, and there are many possible approaches that might be successful. This fact is admirably illustrated by the difference in cold-war diplomatic technique employed by Khrushchev and Kissinger. I think my own style, as described above, is particularly conducive to the sort of academic diplomacy that would arise within my sphere of concern. I believe that a tough, no-nonsense outlook and a reputation for not mincing words would serve equally well in all diplomatic endeavors, and so I will not spend more time on the particulars of each specific situation and instead address what I believe to be a more important issue.
Let’s be honest for a second and admit that the university is in a bloody shambles. Enrollment is down after the September eleventh tragedy, tuition is up, we’ve got all these professors floating around, stoned out of their fucking gourds on who knows what, spending most of their office hours concocting more efficacious ways to bugger their undergraduates or stash kiddie porn on NYU servers. Half these fools exclusively wear Zubaz, or else unwashed, twenty-year-old tweed sport coats, don’t bathe, reek of cheap cigars and brandy, and have scraggly, ill-kempt beards secreting bits of partially-rotted food. But let’s not just pick on the ladies – the men are just as bad, and even more boring. Most of them would as soon hammer their nuts flat with a wooden mallet as actually prepare lessons that are the least bit interesting.
Here’s what I’m getting at: In this day and age image is everything, and our image, in a word, fucking sucks.
I aim to change all that. Have you seen Tombstone? I’m like a modern day Wyatt Earp. I’d ride into town and start busting people’s asses back to the street. Enough soft 90’s style, touchy-feely leadership – I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. I’ll bring the law to NYU, and if these left-wing mincers can’t handle it they can saddle up and ride on back to wherever they rode in from.
It’s obvious to anybody who knows anything that the sole aim of NYU is to make money. NYU is in the education business, and the way you make money in education is to attract people to your school. People will come to your school if they think the school can provide value. How can it provide value? Well, it can help them get a job, for one thing, but really, people don’t come to NYU because it has a stellar academic reputation and they think they’ll be able to get a stellar job. They come because it’s in New fucking York, and they wanna live it up. This is our market, and as Provost, I will cater to the desires of that market and thereby increase it.
How? By making NYU the most happening college in the most happening place in the world. Students want excitement, adventure, and really wild things, so I’ll bring in hookers to roam the courtyards, eliminate all the idiotic rules at NYU housing, add a bunch of interesting classes (“The history of beer” 3 credits, with lab, “Porn appreciation” taught by Jenna Jamison, with lab) and set out to REALLY build community. I’m sick of getting these lame “Community Building” emails from NYU, by grippers who know fuck-all about real communities. We need less lectures and more keggers with a ten dollar cover. Go to any bar around the city and you’ll see that they have ladies’ nights, where the ladies drink free. Why? Because if you get the ladies in there, the men will follow, throwing fistfuls of dollars every which way in a pathetic attempt to impress chicks and get laid.
Modern capitalism was built on exploiting masculine stupidity, but has NYU tapped into this market? Hell no! I’d offer scholarships to hot chicks, just to get them in the door. Once the hot chicks are here, every horny eighteen-year-old boy will be begging mommy and daddy to foot his tuition bill. And if the boys are here, the girls will follow. I’ll turn the whole goddamn place into a modern day Gomorrah, but with a stellar academic reputation! Remember, all these lame professors are out. Sure, we’ll have porn stars on the faculty, but we’ll also have first-rate scholars. Stephen Jay Gould and his cronies will be begging to get in to one of the NYU black-tie parties, where they can casually lean against the walls, sipping martinis, trying to score wide-eyed eighteen year olds with clever quips about game theory.
Tell me I don’t have vision. You won’t hear these kinds of ideas from any of your other applicants, I promise you that.
If I become Provost I can guaran-damn-tee you that I will have enrollment through the roof, profits through the roof, and so much national publicity you won’t know whether to shit or go blind. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of this? And another thing, it’s time to get some decent fucking sports going on here. What are we, division twelve? Fuck that noise, it’s time to start recruiting junior-college idiots who can’t spell their own names to play basketball here. We’ll clean up all over whatever conference we’re in, then move up to division two, then D1, baby. You think ticket sales to sporting events aren’t the mutt’s nuts? You think there’s not a mint waiting to be made in merchandise? We’ll be rolling in it when I get through. School spirit will be rampant, we’ll be steamrolling all those sissified East Coast leagues, and everyone will be talking about NYU.
In summary, I think I have a lot to offer NYU as Provost. It should be clear from this brief description of my ideas that I am a man of clear vision who knows how to grab hold of success. You say “The Provost must be a proven scholar and academic leader.” I am both, am famous among my colleagues for these very capacities, and I think my credentials speak for themselves (just look at my transcript.) I am a gentleman and a scholar, and I’m the man to lead this university into a new era of prosperity.
I look forward to your reply.